i crsly do not want to write this. writing this seems to be giving it credit, making it true.  but i just want to put it out in the open.

i thought that after everything that has happened to us, i would not love you more and more every passing day.  in fact, i guarded myself against it.  i did not want to build bridges again and trust you wholeheartedly, afraid of the outcome.  it seems like i build a protective shell around my heart and i swore that never again will you hurt me.

i was mistaken.  everyday that i am with you, my love only grows stronger.  i want to shut you out of me, shut you out so that i would never again be shattered.  i thought i would become stronger.  i thought i would not love you deeper and deeper.  foolish thoughts.

the weird thing is i did not even see this coming.  i really thought that i have shielded  myself against you and when i realized this, i was caught off-guard. 

for every moment that i am with you, i am falling even more in love.  the protection i set up against you worked only too well.  against me.  now i am so scared.  if you only know how much you would be amazed that i am still here.  in a way i found my strength --- which is you.  my love for you.  

and i know i have to be strong for myself.  to love myself too as deeply as i love you, but when you are in every part of me, that is hard to do.  i just wish you feel the same way --- but more than that, i wish you would just tell me.

i know you're not very good at words.  but i desperately need them now, almost as important as your actions.  for if you are doing one thing and saying another, even though it is just in a joke, i am hurt too. i cant help it.

yes. i now.  i should not think about negative stuffs that hasnt happened yet, you would tell me.  but i am calling out to you.  i. really. need. those. security. words. right. now. 

this experience has taught me that love creeps stealthily.  it does not matter what guards you put against it.  they won't work.  it knows no right or wrong.  it has no reasons.  no limits nor boundaries.  it just is. 

and as much as it pains me to say that i love you now more than i did yesterday, it only hurts because i know not if you feel the same way.  yes i do feel that you love me, but i also feel that you are holding back.  why?  have i ever hurt you? rejected you?  ...

i just wish that sometimes....just sometimes...you would say those words too.

i'll love you more tomorrow. 

and that you are sure.  cause your uncertainty becomes the seed of my uncertainty too.

my barriers against you are useless.

and now i want to bare all...but at what cost?

the end would be the same though.

i will love you tomorrow more than i did today.

is a private and very personal entry.

email me if you want to read it.

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